No kidding: It's time to retire these nine golf cliches

They're often well-meaning or sometimes they're just trying to be funny. But every once in a while fellow golfers say things on the golf course that are just downright annoying. (Yeah, I know, glass houses and all that.) I don't mind a bit of chatter out there. And most of all, I like to rib my fellow playing competitors and don't mind a little in return. But there are things I hear on the golf course that I simply find bothersome. Much of it comes in the form of unwanted advice or false wisdom.

Sometimes, though, you get some good advice. Someone once told me when you're asked about your round, just give them the score, nothing else. Nobody really wants the details (unless you have a hole-in-one and a 10 in the same round like I recently did). Of course, I don't usually adhere to this wisdom because sharing your misery can be somewhat cathartic, but it's a great goal.

Another one of my favorites is, "There are no pictures on the scorecards, just numbers." In other words, just figure out a way to get it in the hole.

Those are two I like; here are nine I'd rather not hear anymore:

This is never, ever true. Ever heard of a "Good Walk Spoiled?" (Now that's a great golf phrase.) I love golf, but a bad round of golf can definitely spoil a good walk. When I'm playing terribly, I'd rather go on a hike and leave the clubs in the trunk. And a good day at the office -- one where I get most of my checklist done -- is imminently more satisfying than shooting 92.

I've got news for you, if you can't drive it well – or at least adequately -- it's unlikely, you're putting for any dough. A five-footer for double or triple bogey rarely means anything. Putting and short-game are crucial to good scoring, but if you're hitting it sideways off the tee, you're probably better off not playing for money. By the way, if you're really good at driving it long, you can certainly drive for dough at the Volvik World Long Drive Championship.

When you hear this one, that means the rest of your round must have been atrocious. It doesn't make me happy about the shot I just hit, but rather makes me sad about all the lousy ones that came before it. I know, I should just revel in a good shot, which is true. But like I said, a bad day at the golf course does not beat a good day doing something else. (Insert your favorite other activity here.)

Nope, it probably wasn't that. It was more likely one or two of the other dozen flaws in your golf swing. I'm amazed how many people still think this is a key to good golf. No reputable teacher tells this to his students, yet so many mid- to high-handicappers love to dispense this advice on the course, especially mid-handicapper husbands to their wives.

I've never seen a golf course yet that has won a Nassau or a tournament. Last I checked you play against other players who are playing the same golf course that you are playing. The course is simply the playing field. It's a little more elaborate than the ones in other sports, but I've yet to hear a football player say he was playing against the gridiron or a baseball player profess that the diamond was too tough of an opponent that day. When you play Monopoly is everyone playing against the board? I don't think so.

I wasn't aware you wanted to leave a par putt short either or a bogey putt, for that matter. Or do you? If you have a birdie putt to a hole that's cut on the side of a ridge where if you're a little long, it'll race down the hill and off the green, then yes; leaving the birdie putt a little short is probably a good strategy. If it trickles in, so be it.

I've played with people named Alice and they definitely don't come up short on their putts any more than guys named Paul or Butch or anyone else. I'm sure the great Alice Dye would agree. And this is certainly a slight against women, who I've found that compared to male players with equal handicaps tend to be much better putters. (By the way, the origin of this phrase may have actually referred to the great Peter Alliss, who missed a putt against Arnold Palmer during the 1963 Ryder Cup when a spectator yelled, "Nice putt, Alliss.")

So the pros over-read the breaks and the average to lousy amateurs under-read them or pull their putts? If you ask me, a miss is a miss. Finishing on the high side of the hole gives me no satisfaction. Just make your best read and your best stroke and live with it.

Please don't tell me I'm too quick after I hit a bad shot. My natural tempo is fairly fast. All of my best rounds have come with that tempo; that's not changing. Everybody has their own tempo, both in putting and full swings. In fact, while we're at it, unless your name is David Leadbetter or Butch Harmon or you at least teach golf for a living, no unsolicited lessons, please. Golf is difficult enough without getting bad advice during the middle of the round (plus it's against the rules).

Have you heard a saying or golf phrase that rubs you the wrong way? Feel free to share in the comment section below.